My life according to SPAM

by You Have My Word

This is the first in a (would be called) series of what my life would look like according to several sources. If you disregard everything you know about me, this is how SPAM has me pinned:


  • I am a man. How do I know this? Because:
  • I need Viagra. Lots of it. (Surely if they are trying to sell a product they should tap into the right market?) I am told of these MUST BUY NOW Viagra specials at least 3 times a week.
  • I am very lucky. I know this because I get told in very clear CAPITALISED terms that I am a winner and that I should send my occupation, Full name, ID number, banking details, physical address, age, sex, race, education, height, weight, toilet paper preference, photograph, CV, shoe size details to them immediately so they can send me $1,000,000. Seeing as I have won so many,
  • I am also very rich.
  • I think I may be fat, now that I think about it. The number of slimming products that I’m told about by email… wow! Someone must be trying to tell me something. I’m obviously not paying attention because they keep coming. I must be getting fatter too.
  • I like very strange people and I’m lonely. I know this because of messages of this nature: “Helo Are you Lonly i has had nice photos and must send it yoo like iM your friend now Accept this to fun chat”. Of course, I don’t go about clicking these buttons willy-nilly, but I clearly need to make new friends.


This is the picture you get of me: I’m a fat, rich man who needs medical assistance. I try to impress my strange friends with my cash, but most of the time I’m alone. How sad.


Dear Spammers,

I do not need Viagra. This is mostly due to the fact that I am not a man. Also due to the fact that I am not a man with a particular medical condition in need of this substance. Please go away. Also, I am not fat so I don’t want your slim pills new formula for weight loss. Nor do I want photos of you (heaven knows what those will be like). Nor am I going to send you my height and weight – I told you I’m fat for goodness sake! Is that not already hard enough to deal with? (sob) Do something useful and send me a coupon or something! I’m not rich. I am not lonely and I have very ordinary friends – maybe even a bit boring at times. Get out of my life.