Of flu, failure and floundering
by You Have My Word
This is a bit of a rant I found that I’d written a few months ago, and thought I’d share it here. Yes, I am still learning this lesson, but I get better every time. It’s good, though, to look back and reflect and see how far you’ve come.
It’s not so much the fact that I’m sick that gets me, but rather the fact that I’m rendered useless and pathetic and dependent on everyone else around me. It’s not so much the fact that I’m coughing continuously and blowing my nose like a rehearsing trumpeter that gets me, it’s the fact that I can’t even get out of bed to make tea for myself that gets me. When I’m sick I can’t do all I’m supposed to do.
I was meant to lead cell last night. I had to cancel and say I couldn’t because I’m sick. How stupid is that? I have a job that I’m committed to being at every day. Apparently not anymore – I had to call in sick. So I can’t contribute to the projects we’re working on or even do the standard tasks assigned to me to make things run smoother. I was meant to do washing – something that affects no one else but me, and I couldn’t even do that. Something as simple as breakfast in bed (like I was brought this morning) would have been awesome, but now it upset me just because I couldn’t get it myself. In essence, concerning all of the above, I have failed.
What makes it worse is that I didn’t even fail because I tried. This is what I termed “slap-stick failure”. It’s in your face. You can’t get away from it. This failure is just there.
I’m performance driven – not a great quality to have, but now that it’s out in the open we can move on. I find value in the doing and so I often tend to overdo, not because I need to please others (although I suppose that’s in there somewhere too), but because my worth has been derived from how much I can do. It’s not about the doing at all. We often miss a lot because we’re just doing – we lose our joy too. This is wrong and twisted and stupid and ultimately self-destructive. I know. This is where I find myself, though. I’ve pushed so hard that my body is giving me no other choice than to shut up and sit down.
I’ve wrestled with this since I can remember and you’d think that by now I would get it right. God has a way of reminding us of things we really need to come to terms with. Again. Like right now: your worth is not in what you can do, it’s in me
I’m not a very nice person when I’m sick. I’m irritating and irritated because I’m not doing anything. I’m self-pitying because I don’t think anyone cares or understand. I’m grumpy because I feel gross. I’m now resentful (a whole new dimension as of today) because of all the money I’ve had to give to the doctors.
Yet in all this, I’m a strange kind of calm. I call it the “God-calm”. Even in this place of turmoil (to be dramatic) and flu-fighting (literal and figurative), there is peace in my heart.
Whether this makes any sense or not, I’m not sure – this is a sick person writing after all. I’m going to continue working through this and trust the insight of the cross to show me my worth outside of the doing.