Love failed | MOSS Part 1

by You Have My Word

Find out what MOSS is about here. If you’re up to speed, Marriage and Other Scary Stuff has officially started as soon as you started reading this post. The first of 13 parts in this series, and You Have My Word is the writer (that’s me). I don’t need to link you to my blog because you’re already on it, but you can get me on Twitter or Facebook.

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“I may as well tell you how I was going to propose, seeing as we’re not going to get married anymore,” he delivered his punch-line like he’d been rehearsing for months. Thus he began telling me, in meticulous detail, how he would have asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. There’s a reason it’s called a punch-line.

There he was, relinquished. And I was angry. And that moment was tainted. The moment that would have started the rest of our lives together, was spewed out in rushed and reckless words. I will never get to live that moment. He will never live that moment. No one will live that moment because I was the girl in the picture and human beings can’t be cut out and replaced like paper dress-up dolls.

And maybe I’m still angry.

I have to remind myself that being together wasn’t always hard. We were great together. Not your typical guitar-student-falls-for-his-teacher type story (although that was my role at the time), but beautiful in its own way. Yet we managed to mess it up. What’s surprising is that the corrosion of our love wasn’t instantaneous, it was a slow wearing-away-at-the-edges. Where did we go wrong? Although, in asking myself where our relationship went wrong, I question where did I go wrong? When did love lose its loveliness?

Somewhere along the way love became about being right, and coming out on top and deserving more and trying harder. I see now that love is what we were not – what I was not.

Love is patient – I was often irritated. Love is kind – when it didn’t inconvenience. Love does not envy. Love is not proud. Love does not boast. Love does not dishonour others – I did not always think the best of him. Love is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered – harsh words were our playground.

Love keeps no record of wrongs – I couldn’t wait for the next slip, so I could present the bill of screw-ups. Love rejoices with the truth. Love always protects. Love always trusts. Love always hopes – what was left to hope for? Love always perseveres – I admit, I gave up.

Love never fails. But it did.

But maybe it was not love that failed, but rather the lovers. Not the affair-with-my-secretary lovers, but the bearers of love: us. “Your love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me.” It’s the bearers of love that fail. It’s the bearers of love that give up. It’s the bearers of love that run out. Not love.

I see now that we did not love as we should have because we did not know God in our togetherness. “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” (1 John 4:8) God is love and love is patient. God is love is patient. Therefore, if God is not in the relationship, there is no love in the relationship, therefore, there is no patience in the relationship. Or anything else that love is.

And I think of Jesus – Saviour, Friend, Redeemer, Comfort… Lover, of my soul. Perfect, pure love bestowed upon me even when I don’t return it, or give it, or even demonstrate it in simple acts. This love can only come from God. There is safety and depth to this love. There is consistency and healing in this love. There is no limit to this love. Human love ends at a point, but love straight from the heart of God has no end.

In my, still ongoing, journey I confess that I do not have any profound, groundbreaking advice for falling in and out of love (whatever that means). I don’t even have a way to tell you how to deal with stumbling upon love, through it, over it, around it or crashing into it. However, in discovery and realisation of my loveless (if we’re honest, completely loveless) shortcomings, I see that I cannot love alone. It cannot ever just be me and him; it must be God, me and whoever it is God intends for me.

Where to now? I don’t know.

Right now I am learning love. I do not dare let my thoughts wander towards the possibility and responsibility of covenant love, like marriage, because that is scary stuff. That is can’t-back-out-of, in-it-for-the-long-haul, I-can’t-see-myself-with-anyone-else, God-ordained love. But I am willing to wait for it – I must, because if I rush into it… well, we know how that ends.

I will know this love when I see it, and I will be ready for it. I pray too that when I do, I will know how to love like I should. Not without God.

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Go to next post: By the way, Christians are pretty messed up too | MOSS Part 2

Go to intro post: Marriage and Other Scary Stuff | MOSS Intro

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