Cold is a feeling known all too well
by You Have My Word
On a Sunday afternoon that felt like 3am – linen walls bloodied with words only my fists knew how to say… It was the Sabbath – the Lord’s Day – and I had never felt further from God.
If you have never been so afraid of yourself you refuse to open your eyes, then you have never known faith. If you do not know who you are, lock your eyelids shut – it is then that you will be certain of what you do not see, and perhaps it is for the better. But if it is for the worse…
When you find yourself crawling naked into a shower hoping to drown, imagine that you are standing in the rain – clouds, shedding tears and dark weight. Let the water remind you that you are not alone, for even the sky knows brokenness – unable to contain the many parts of the collapsing whole.
You will learn not to store all the tired in your bones like cancer. We get wrinkles on the outside so we can see how much we still have to heal. If they formed around our veins, beneath the skin, we’d never know how far we still had to go. Take a moment, rest your head and let the weariness float to the surface. Colour the worry in with bruises. They will mend.
Cold is a feeling you know all too well. Pry yourself off the floor. Pick yourself up. Push yourself up. Dry off the doubt, the drowning, the despair. Whatever soaks it up can be dropped and left behind on the floor when you walk out and shut the door. Do not carry the damp with you. It is heavy, and you were never meant to carry it with you.
Be gentle with yourself now. Dust yourself with soft cotton socks and clothes that remind you how your soul should feel. You are not all that different from before. It is still a Sunday afternoon that feels like 3am. You are climbing into bed after a nightmare day, but you feel a little closer to God. That close to dying, you can’t help but touch something of the Divine.