It was not your fault

by You Have My Word

cp-luhprpwm-christopher-campbellWhen home is ripped from your belly like a harpoon from the heart of a whale, you get used to forcing yourself to swim despite the bleeding – despite the pain, despite the monsters that come in dark waters. Because if you don’t you will sink in red till black and rock and depth overtake.

They did that to you. It was not your fault. You would not gouge out your own insides. You would not maul your own skin. You would not spear your own heart.

Repeat those words till your mind becomes the same colour as the sea.

There are whales here with hearts the size of houses – the size of homes. There are whales with veins big enough for a man to walk in, big enough for a man to live in, big enough for a man to break in. Big enough for a man to kill in.

This is for each one that made it out of the heart of the whale. You made it out alive. You have only yourself to thank (if “thank” is even the right word). I won’t say you survived; that only puts a timer on how long you have to live and you’ve already been through enough.

They’ll tell you that you were looking for trouble. They’ll ask what you were doing so far from the shore. They’ll make it seem like they would have done something. They’ll leave you feeling like it was your fault. They’ll try make you forget.

They did that to you. It was not your fault. You would not gouge out your own insides. You would not maul your own skin. You would not spear your own heart.

There will be days when you are afraid. You will not know when the next monster will show its face. Despite this, do not hide. Use all the strength you have to keep showing up – looking up. Keep your chin up; hold your head high. Don’t sink below the surface.

When the waves come, thrash harder than the tide. Tumble with the crash only to break the swell. Do not succumb to the wind – fight back. Fight till you have it on your side; it will carry you from here.

You will never have to flee the spear and barrel and trigger again. When you avoid the heart of the whale you might avoid death.

This is the only time I will tell you to stay away from a heart that’s bigger than yours. This is the only one that does not love. It is not safe; it is dark. Find another – it might be smaller but it will be lighter. Find one that is big enough for only you. No one else. This will be your new home.

Stay.

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